


wishing, wanting and longing

by dottori



Series: let me love you [1]
Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Light Angst, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 13:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21209537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dottori/pseuds/dottori
Summary: a year on robbe's life, told by ten plus one moments.





	wishing, wanting and longing

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I did this to myself.
> 
> Enjoy!

i.- Robbe doesn’t really remember the first time it happened. When the thoughts shifted direction, turned around and deviated, and hanging out with Jens became something else, something _more_. It’s not a new thing; it’s been weeks, maybe even months, nor it has become a habit. How could it? when it makes him feel so sick

No one notices the change but him. Robbe himself barely acknowledges the nature of the feelings he has for his very best friend. Sometimes, Robbe would indulge himself and stare at Jens when he is distracted rapping, skating, being silly, hugging that _what if_ close to his chest for a moment—he dwells on telling Jens, kissing him, touching him, letting Jens touch him, and maybe, maybe— but not for long, never for long, because the thoughts make him want to throw up, but that’s enough, that has to be enough.

And it is. It’s just a stupid crush, anyways. It’s bound to disappear eventually.

ii.- There were good days, bad days, and horrible ones, like today.

Jens has an attractive smile, a pointy nose and the most expressive eyes, Robbe wishes he hadn’t noticed, and he glows while talking about Jana. Why wouldn’t he? Even back then, when Britt was around, at those scout camps they used to go, Jana was all Jens talked about. All that mattered, seemingly.

(When Jens cheated for the first time, Robbe was the first to know. “I…I kissed Jana.” Jens, wild-eyed, guilty but not all regret yet, asked not to tell Britt. He didn’t.

Robbe never did. Even when it was too late. And he didn’t sleep for a week when it all went to shit.)

He says Jana knows about the weed, that they are good now. And Robbe is happy for him, for them, for her. For him, foremost, because Jens makes him feel _some_ type of way, and his happiness is tightly correlated to Robbe’s during days like these, when looking at Jens alone is too much, too many feelings all at once.

Robbe smiles when Jens tells him Jana is coming to the skate park today. He gives Jens his best fucking smile, even when he feels like shit inside, because that’s what best friends that don’t have one-sided crushes on each other do.

iii.- Robbe really likes Jana. She has always been more than Jens’ girlfriend to him; Robbe considers her a best friend, too.

Jana confides on him. She says she kissed Luka. An idiot, friends with some Senne guy Robbe has heard of before, a fuckboy. Someone Jana shouldn’t be kissing.

Robbe means it when he promises not to tell Jens, especially when his friend has been so stoked about things going well with Jana again. Robbe thinks he hasn’t seen Jens this happy in such a long time, so enamored with Jana and being in love and kissing her in front of everyone, in front of _Robbe_.

But that’s a dangerous train of thoughts, Robbe knows that. Oh, how dangerous it is, how enticing and consuming, too. It’s one, then other, alcohol is involved, and Jana stops meaning a friend. She is pain. She hurts Robbe, even when she doesn’t mean to, even when Robbe doesn’t fucking want to feel this way.

However, when he sends that message, drunk out of his mind, it hurts like nothing else.

iv.- Robbe’s life went to shit not long after that.

His mom gets worse than ever before. She’s never been this bad, and Robbe doesn’t know what to do or what to say or how to act or how to be.

His dad, the fucking asshole, leaves. Robbe doesn’t want him to come back as much as he misses him, and wishes he never left them. Robbe hates him.

Jens tries to help. He _tries_, and for that Robbe is so grateful.

Jana knows he told those girls about her and Luka. Robbe tells her the truth; that he was jealous of her and Jens, that he didn’t mean it, that it was too late when he tried to take it back, that he is so, so fucking sorry.

Jana asks if he likes her. Robbe almost tells her, almost says what’s been bugging his mind for months, almost says it out loud for the first time, admits it to himself, almost—

He doesn’t.

It’s better for Jana to believe that, anyways. Robbe is a coward, and that is the easy way out.

v.- Kissing girls makes him dizzy, but not in a good way like everyone says it would.

It makes Robbe feel restless, itchy under his own skin. Pressured. Because that’s where this all comes from. The pressure of it all; of being a boy that _has_ to like girls, that _has_ to kiss them, that _has_ to look at them, _want_ them in a certain way, in ways Robbe believes he is just not capable of.

He dates a pretty face, kisses other, because he has to. Because he has to act like he wants to, rather, and that’s something Robbe can do.

It gets Moyo off his damn case for a hot minute. It stops Jens from looking worried, from thinking that shit has gotten worse at home and Robbe is detaching himself from girls. That’s exactly what’s happening, but girls are just not part of the equation. They’ve never been.

But even when his mom is getting worse, dad’s out of the picture, and life is just shitty and a chore most of the time, Robbe can act normal alright, because playing pretend is something Robbe is an expert at.

(Girls get him to focus on something else, too. And Jens finally, _finally_, fizzles out.)

vi.- Milan is nice. He is forward and flirty and fun. Then, he leans in.

Robbe panics. Because he doesn’t want this, he can’t want this. Calls him a slur, and storms out. Robbe knows he made a scene, but can’t bring himself to care, his mind drowns everything else. It’s too much too soon, he needs to be alone and listen to music and block the world out.

He can’t. He can’t. He can’t—

Robbe is normal. He dresses in neutral colors, wears clothes everyone else does, laughs at the same jokes all the boys do, watches girls like he is expected to, and makes a damn effort to blend in, because there’s nothing worse than being different, the weird one out.

The one that stands out, smiles too much, likes _bo_—Robbe is not like that. He can’t be.

He can’t be. He can’t be. Robbe won’t be. Because it would just bring more shit to his life, and he can’t make his mom worry about him anymore.

He is not gay. He is not, he can’t, and he never will be.

vii.- His mom has a breakdown. It’s a Sunday night. On Monday, she enrolls herself on a psychiatric facility. It’s a good sign, he thinks, they can help her, he thinks.

_They can help her more than I ever could._

His mom will be fine, and Robbe is fine. Everything will be okay soon; he just has to have some patience.

Dad calls now, he thinks he can just barge back into his life, just like that, and ask for what he shouldn’t, what he should have asked for months ago, maybe. Robbe'd rather live on Jens’ couch for the rest of his life than move in with him.

He moves in with Zoe, Senne, and _Milan_, who he has to apologize to, instead. Not more dad, for now. Mom is still getting help; they say it could take weeks, maybe months, and that’s a terrifying idea. It’s been less than five days and he already misses her like crazy. How in the _fuck_ is he supposed to—

But Robbe is fine. Everything is fine.

viii.- Noor is a convenience. Right words at the right place, at the right moment. Meets to an end, of some sorts.

Robbe kisses her when asked to, when she leans in or looks at him like so, or stares at his lips long enough. When Robbe reads the atmosphere just right. Hugs her when his friends are watching, when she steps into his personal space and he realizes that’s what he is supposed to do, supposed to want.

Noor is pretty and nice; she likes art and listens to pretentious music he’s never heard of and seems to really like Robbe for who he shows himself to be. She is cool and exciting, too. A change of pace; for a second, at least.

Moyo asks when they are sleeping together, and Robbe just laughs it off, changing the subject and he prays his face doesn’t show how horrified he is by the whole idea. Kissing is fine, kissing Robbe can do, anything else—

Robbe _likes_ her. Likes to be around her, just how he likes hanging out with Jens and the boys. Nothing more, nothing less.

Maybe that could be enough. Maybe that has to be enough.

ix.- Wake up, get to school early, go to class, hangout with the boys at break, go to class again. He studies and hangs out with Yasmina when she is available, and he meets with Noor or the boys or both after class; maybe they go skating, maybe they work on a vlog, maybe they just chill and get high at Aaron’s.

Sometimes, Robbe’d ditch them early to play hooky with Noor at her job, others, she just comes along and drags him with her. Then, he goes home, sleeps, wakes up and, when another day comes around, the same shit happens.

Class, hanging out with the boys, kiss Noor some more so she thinks Robbe likes her just fine, go home, sleep, _repeat_.

On the weekends, he promised himself to go and see his mother. Every day, he deflects his father’s phone calls and stares at his mother’s messages, without knowing what to say, the words she wants to see, what would make her feel better faster.

Noor calls herself his girlfriend after a week and kisses him and tries for his belt every time they are remotely alone. Robbe doesn’t say no, doesn’t think much of anything at all, really.

Just passively watches, lets the cycle repeat itself without much of resilience, like a fucking spectator of his own shitty, uneventful, boring life. Robbe’s found that’s easier than making an effort, than being himself, perhaps.

So, he sucks it up and smiles, because it could be worse.

x.- Sander is—

Robbe can’t even begin to describe him, or how he makes him feel. Sander makes Robbe feel more than he has felt on weeks, just in a couple of hours. Even if the bigger part of it all is confusion, confliction, and attraction. _Oh_, so much of that.

Sander, who has the most outrageous platinum-blonde hair, listens to David Bowie and is pretentious about it, because _of course_ he would be. Sander, who twirls him on a supermarket cart, sings in public, and is so unapologetically silly and himself. Sander, who is so fleetly and confusing and so, so bold; who touches and looks and is not subtle about it. Sander, who is everything Robbe is _not_.

Sander, who is Britt’s boyfriend. Sander, who Robbe can’t seem to get out of his head.

And Robbe thinks he is imagining it—this morning, them at the supermarket, the lingering touches and stares in the kitchen, that blinding smile and twinkling eyes just for him; all of it. There’s no fucking way Sander would ever feel the same way. He seems like a friendly-type guy; maybe he saw how miserable Robbe looked that morning and took pity of him. Robbe wouldn’t hold it against him if that’s all it was.

Robbe looks and looks and looks, waiting for a sign, something, anything, to tell him he’s not being a hopeful idiot, that maybe there’s a chance Sander felt it, too. That connection, the electricity between them.

Robbe gets nothing and is not disappointed. Because that’s how it has always been for him. Wishing, wanting and longing, and never getting any of that in return.

*

+.- They are alone, they haven’t been alone since last Saturday. They’ve talked, hanged out a bit, detachedly, fleetingly, not alone, not like this.

Robbe manages to dance around Noor and escape to the shore, wanting nothing more than to be alone with his music and thoughts. No girls, no friends who talk about girls, not a Robbe who is expected to want girls and participate in conversations he doesn’t feel interested in, kiss girls he doesn’t want to.

Just, _him_. The real him. Who misses his mom and wants to go back home and is overwhelmed by his friends more often than he wants them around these days. Who doesn’t want to be Noor’s boyfriend anymore, because she is too much, too pushy, and he can’t deal with her any more than Moyo, Aaron and Jens.

Just Robbe, who likes sports, urban hip-hop, skateboarding and _boys_.

He is laying there, all alone, when Sander appears. He talks, but Robbe doesn’t really listen to his words, just indulges on the soft sound of his voice, the quirk lifting up his red lips, his pretty, pretty eyes. Robbe is consumed by his emotions, so far gone, he wants nothing and too much at all once, and that’s never happened before.

Robbe looks away, feeling the anxiety grow, and forces himself to stare at the ocean, hoping the waves will help calm his hammering heart.

Then Sander says “Hey” and calls his name, a soft whisper. Robbe looks again, and Sander is close. He always is, as if he _has_ to be around Robbe’s orbit at all times, but now—now, he is everywhere.

His eyes look bluer like this. Robbe looks at his freckled nose and his tiny smile, lips even redder and shinier than minutes ago, as if Sander had been chewing on them. Sander is still looking around his face, searching for something. And maybe he found what he was looking for, because Robbe feels him leaning even closer, closer to his lips, and his heart stops.

“Can I…Can I kiss you?” He asks, brown and blue meet, and their mouths are so damn close now Robbe can feel Sander’s ragged breathing and warm lips. Robbe just has to erase that last space, give the last push, and just—

Robbe thinks this is too good to be true, this can’t be true. It can’t be, right? This has to be a sick joke, or a bet, or a dream, or Sander just likes to fuck with him. Sander has a girlfriend. Fuck, _Robbe_ has a girlfriend. He can’t just kiss a cute guy and move on with his life, act as if nothing ever happened. Cheat and forget, Robbe just doesn’t have it on him.

Would he break up with Noor for this? Would _Sander_ break up with Britt for this? Does Sander even fucking care? Is this just a joke to him, something to kill time with? How can Robbe know he’s not just being played with, that Sander means it before he throws all his efforts at being _normal_ and_ straight_ out of the window?

Sander is waiting, searching for his mouth, noses brushing together, and Robbe has never wanted something this much, this strongly before. Robbe has never had something he wants so fucking bad this close to reach before, and it’s all just too much for him to deal with.

Robbe is not used to get what he wants. “I…I can’t. Sorry, I gotta go—”

“Robbe, wait—” And the only logical reaction on his mind is to run away.

**Author's Note:**

> This is me speaking into existence that Robbe won't cheat on Noor before kissing Sander. He is too much of a nice guy to do so. Please, wtfock, let them break up first, that's all I ask for.
> 
> I would plug my socials, but I don't have any aside from this so, scream at me here.
> 
> (edit: And now... I kinda wanna write more about them. Robbe's such an interesting Isak, and Sander is an interesting Even, too...)


End file.
